evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
