Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
