I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
