I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize