meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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