i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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