So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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