Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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