I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
