Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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