Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
