so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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