I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
