Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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