I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
