Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize