if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
