fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
