Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
