that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
