I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
