You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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