Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
