I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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