Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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