im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize