You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
