I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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