Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
