I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
