I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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