after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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