I love black thongs
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
