Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just blew my weed a kiss
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My legs feel like baby dolphins
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
