Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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