When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
