I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
