Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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