So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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