Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
