a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
