Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
so let's talk penis.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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