you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
