a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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