Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
