He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
