Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize