fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Drunk is not a location!
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
