i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
