Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
