Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize