all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
