does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize