Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
