so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
