Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
