You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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