batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
