What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
