he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
