Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
