Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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