Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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